Living in the Maha-Mantra

They say there are no atheists in foxholes, but that hasn’t been my experience. My moments of loss and fear are the times I feel most alone.

I’ve read more religious texts than most, from all the major religions and quite a few of the minor ones, and they’ve helped make me a better person, but faith just isn’t the protective armor for me that it seems to be for others.

This has been a rather robotic existence since I lost my mother. I’m doing all the things I’ve always done– exercising, praying, eating nice meals, writing letters– but I’m not taking any joy in them. I just do them out of habit, and out of fear that if I stop moving I’ll never start again.

I’m trying very hard to live in the present. The past is gone, the future looks bleak, so if there’s any time to be happy, it’s right now. Still, I’m struggling.

There are people who depend upon me. I have responsibilities. I can’t let them down.

Hare was the creative force, Krishna was the enjoyer of the present, Rama was all about duty. I suppose I’m tilted heavily toward Rama at the moment.

“When you feel there is an unfair burden on your shoulders, that’s just the way it is sometimes.” ~Forrest Gump

That quote makes me smile. I wouldn’t say I have an unfair burden; people have helped me in the past, now I’m helping people in the present. That’s just the way it is.

Rama, Rama…

3 Comments

  1. loweb3

    Been there, and I’m sure the political climate increases the stress you’re going through.

    I listened to the Blues a lot when I was sad and something about the beat countered the sad lyrics.

    Hopefully, at some point, the rhythm of life will lift you up again.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know quaint words don’t really help right now. There is no magic potion. When you lose someone who loved you and whom you loved all of your life, than that love never, ever leaves. Allow yourself to immerse yourself in what you feel, but also allow yourself a window of survival-any way that you can. Know what your Mom would say to you right now. Everything you are feeling is your heart and soul..you’ve always carried them with you…and right now they’re just out in the open for the world to get a glimpse of.

    Like

  3. You’re very strong person.

    Like

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