Oasis

I know I’ve lost a step cognitively. I’m easily overwhelmed, easily frustrated. I can’t do many of the things I used to do.

Now I’m the car other drivers honk and gesture at because I’m slow and overly cautious. I used to be the one who showed other people how to network their computers and peripherals, now I can’t do it for myself. I bought a nice camera, but had to return it because I couldn’t understand the instructions.

I don’t think this is a physical problem. I recently tried and failed to become a kidney donor, but I did pass all the medical tests. The problem was I couldn’t navigate the bureaucracy. Instead of helping me through it, they kicked me out of the program. I suppose that made their own lives a little easier.

So it goes.

I blame my decline on stress.

When my mother died a little over a year ago, I became my father’s caretaker. It’s been difficult. I loaned him a book I thought he would enjoy, and not only did he not like it, he marked the passages that particularly displeased him so he could read them to me. He listed for me all the songs Bobby Bare ruined by “not singing them properly.” He listed the National Parks he doesn’t want to go to, because they are likely to be too crowded. He does not like women who use cell phones, men who wear short pants, and anyone who is handicapped or obese. He used to watch the Texas Rangers, but he doesn’t anymore because the players are “too happy” when they win.  The lawn crew did a half-assed job, they always do a half-assed job, he guesses they don’t even care.  That’s just this week, and it’s not a complete list by any means.

The barrage of negativity becomes overwhelming. It’s a hard way to start the day.

But last night I played an old George Harrison record, and Mona danced with me in the kitchen, and for just a few minutes I felt like myself again.

Someday things will be different, but for now I have to hang on to those moments.

They keep me going.

4 Comments

  1. Loren Webster

    Sorry, you feel so stressed but unfortunately it seems like a perfectly natural reaction to your situation. Time for some form of pure “escapism.” Meditation is great. Or, my current favorite, the TV series “The Good Place,” which shows what a crazy, mixed-up world we all live in (in a funny sort of way.)

    Whatever you do, don’t read the news. Reality will really bum you out.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. oh, oh, I understand. I do! You may feel like this is never going to end. Getting older , and going through major, traumatic life changes, do, indeed, change your life. I know you don’t feel like “you” and feel, maybe you never will again. Where you used to run, skip and jump? you may have to crawl on your knees–and sometimes even just lie in a ball. It sucks. You have lost your Mom-your best friend, your biggest cheerleader. It’s now when you have to lean on the ones who so so love you and they will carry you when you feel like there is nothing worthwhile. Please don’t give up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I’m not giving up. I’ll plug along, and enjoy the moments of respite and try to create more of them.

      (This is one of those things that’s a little more personal than I’m really comfortable sharing, but I know there are other people out there in the same boat and I hoped it would make them feel less alone.)

      Like

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